Emerald Satin, Vanilla, and the Beibs

This morning as I was about to walk out the door, Husband asked me to pick up Justin Beiber's new cd. Yes, you read that correctly. Justin. Beiber. I started laughing, understandably thinking he was pulling my leg. He wasn't. He sincerely wanted me to buy Beiber's cd. My soul died a little bit. He then proceeded to tell me that there's this song on there that he likes about something gonna be his girlfriend something... He meant the song 'Boyfriend'. My soul died a  little more. However, I'm a loving wiff, so I bought the atrocious cd for him. Apparently I'm close-minded because when he told me that there's another song on there that's awesome (barf) I gave him my skepti-eyes.  Right. Close-minded. No, sir. I just know what I like and what I don't like. I will admit freely that the Beibs has some serious talent. The boy can SING. But that doesn't mean that I like WHAT he sings. I have yet to encounter a Beiber song that doesn't grate on my nerves. MY HUSBAND IS 31 AND LISTENS TO JUSTIN BEIBER. That sentence should never be spoken/written/typed/THOUGHT. *sigh* I'm a sad, sad kitten. OH, but I have some awesome music that he snurls his nose up at. Bleh, he can kiss my fat ass.


This is a two-part post today. Both rants.

I don't know what in my brain decided that I can sew satin. My brain is a real douchebag sometimes. I bought 3 yards of satin in a BEAUTIFUL emerald green color. My favorite color. Then I scoured the interwebz trying to find something to do with this beautiful green satin. Anything. OTHER THAN DAMN FLOWERS. I don't want a multitude of green satin flowers exploding throughout my house. I don't know exactly how many flowers 3 yards would yield, but I'm guessing it's A LOT.
 Well, tonight I decided, tonight's the night. I'm going to wing it (this is where my brain went to Douchebag Land) and do something with this satin. I'm going to make a shirt! I grabbed one of my favorite flowy loose-fitting tanks and traced that bitch. Then I cut out the satin in the shape of a tank. X2. Then trimmed. And trimmed. And shaped. And trimmed some more. Finally, I got it all about the same size/shape and sewed the sides together. Then the tops of the straps. Tried it on. Yeah, you might have guessed this already, but it didn't work out so well. It was...poochy around the boobular area. I fiddled and pinned and unpinned and fiddled and then sewed a little and fixed it. Sort of. Okay, so now the shirt looks decent. When I say decent, by the way, I MEAN decent. It isn't good by any stretch of the imagination, but it isn't just God awful, either. The Brain goes, BIAS TAPE! YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE THAT PROPERLY! LETS USE IT! So I decide to trim the neckline, armholes, and bottom with bias tape. So far, only the neckline is done because it took me FOREVER to get it done right-ish and when I tried it on, it looks worse now. I don't know what happened, but the neck sort of gaps out now in a weird way. Still, not terrible, but definitely not good either. I kind of want to say screw it, I give up, but I have this affliction that when I start something and it starts going terribly awry I MUST keep going. Usually, this doesn't end well. It almost always snowballs into this massive failtastic debacle. We'll see though. We. Shall. SEE.


On a more positive note, I started my homemade vanilla extract today. It was easy. Slice vanilla beans. Put them in a jar. Pour in vodka. DONE. Well, not DONE done, I still have to remember to shake the jar regularly. Basically done though. Now to wait 4-6 months for it to be ready! YAY!

Sugarlegs and Vanilla beans

My vanilla beans came in today!! Yaaaay! I'm making my own vanilla extract. Now I just need to get some jars, which I found at Kmart for pretty damn cheap. Cheap excites me. Except maybe cheap hookers. I think if you're going to get a hooker you might want to spring for a high dolla ho. Not that I require or want the services of a hooker anyway...Sorry, kind of veered off there for a minute. I also cooked up a batch of this junk that's supposed to be like wax. Sugaring or somesuch. I'm just waiting for it to cool now before I see if this mess will actually take off my scary leg hairs and leave my skin on. We shall see how it goes.


Update: Yeah, the sugaring...urgh. I don't know what went wrong, but all it accomplished was me clutching my calf cursing quietly to myself so as to not wake the babe. Hair still firmly attached. Leg atrociously red. I still have the jar of sugartorture in my fridge and I plan on trying again after some more cooking or something. I HATE wasting 2 cups of sugar. Those cups of sugar could have been COOKIES. 

Unicorns

So, I finally told my ladies that I started a blog the other day. The ladies being, the ladies in my group. < That sentence is actually kind of irrelevant because they're the only ones that I've told. So, they're the only ones that actually look at my blog and I don't think even they do that often. I'm enjoying myself though and that's what's important. I don't really have anything specific I wanted to write about today so I'm just going to wing it.

If you asked the twins who their favorite Avenger is the girl child says Black Woman. It took me the longest time one day to figure out what the hell she was talking about. She was talking to my mom about her Black Woman cup. I finally figured out she was talking about Black WIDOW. And yes, she has a Black Widow cup. Boy child always corrects her saying, "NO! It's Black WIDOOOOWW!" I just laugh and go with it.  The boy child usually says 'Merica. As in Captain America. He'll sometimes change that answer to Iron Man, and even occasionally Thor or Hulk.


I finally got my tablet back two days ago. It's been broken for MONTHS and I finally got Husband to take it to the store and see what the hell was wrong with it about a month or so ago. Well, finally get it back, go INSANE playing on it and fixing it back up and getting everything back on it that I want. Go to plug it in because I've depleted the battery. The charger is broken. -_- Seriously. Not. Pleased. Husband is going to buy me a new charger today though, or at least try to or I may do some serious bodily harm to him. Even though it's not his fault. I'll take it out on him. Okay, so I won't but I can threaten. I'm mean like that.

Update: Still no charger. The didn't have any at the Verizon store, so I ordered one online. And it's taking it's sweet time getting to me.

Dinosaurs!!!!

My mother-in-law and I took the kids to Discover the Dinosaurs today. If you don't know what it is, which I didn't until about Tuesday, it's a bunch of big dinosaur replica type things, sand pits where you can "dig" and "unearth" bones with paintbrushes, and a bunch of other stuff. MIL bought a picture of us screaming in terror at a T-Rex. It's pretty awesome. The girl child got her face painted and it looked SO FUCKING CUTE. There are no word for her cuteness. The boy child insisted he didn't want his face painted until after we were done. Of course. Then they went and played in a ginormous bouncy house that looked fucking fun as shit. The guy that was in there trying to keep all hell from breaking loose had to get onto the boy a few times. Unsurprisingly. The girl had some other older girl carting her around in there a few times. And then we had a major meltdown when the time was up. OH! And I breastfed the babe with him in his sling while we were waiting in line for girl child to get her face painted. I covered because I didn't want everybody to be jealous of these awesome tittays, but I'm still damn proud of myself and my multitasking abilities. We went and ate afterwards at the restaurant Husband works at and it was pretty obvious the kids were tired. Girl kept it together for the most part but boy had to be taken out and given a stern talking to, after a leg pop. He was good after that though, even though he didn't eat much at all. Babe ate a ton of rice and he was pretty good the whole trip. He fell asleep during the feeding (the boob feeding, not the rice feeding) so he got a decent little nap. All in all, it was a good, good day. It's been a while since I've spent much time with MIL and to be honest, I missed her. She's pretty damn awesome. I get to see my Momma tomorrow.

We also saw Darth Vader, R2D2, and 2 Storm Troopers.

Easy Access to Boobies

I made a nursing shirt! Yay! Now that I only have 3 months of nursing left. Oh, well, I'm tired of being out and about and not being able to quickly and discreetly access the boobage. I haven't finished the sleeves yet. The tutorial I followed said to put elastic in the sleeves as well and I just don't like the look of them. Right now, they're unfinished, fluttery, weird things poking out but I'll figure something out. Here's a link to the tutorial

http://rowena.typepad.com/rostitchery/2007/08/an-exercise-in-.html

And a picture of mine! I'll post another when I decide what I'm going to do with the sleeves.

RIP Coffee pot

I broke my coffee pot this morning. As in, shattered. I'm just immensely glad it was in the sink. I don't know why, but I've always thought coffee pots were fairly indestructible. Yes, it's glass, but I've never broken one and I'm horrifically clumsy. I was washing the stupid thing out this morning, about to brew a fresh pot and just dropped it. Full of hot ass water. I think it wouldn't have broken if it hadn't had water in it. I tried picking it up by the handle thinking at least some of the glass was still intact enough for me to do that without having to pick every single piece of glass out by hand. Wrong. It was just the handle and the little metal band thingy. No glass. So I had to pick out all the sharp glass pieces. I'm really surprised I didn't cut myself. I usually do. I'm also glad none of the chirren were in the kitchen when I dropped it because the first words out of my mouth were "Shit!! You've got to be fucking kidding me."I don't do so hot without my coffee. Hi, my name is Joanna, and I'm a caffeine addict. And if you try to make me stop I WILL CUT YOU. With a piece of my shattered coffee pot. I'm so very glad we have a Keurig (is that spelled right? Meh, whatever, you get my drift) even though Husband hates it because he's a freak. I LOVE my Keurig. I got the little refillable cups for it and I less than three the whole deal. Husband bitches that he doesn't want to have to refill a cup and do all that work to just brew a cup of coffee. Even though 95% of the time, I make his coffee for him. Because I'm a loving and attentive wiff.

That is totally me. Except, envision two small children looking at me with that what-the-hell-is-Mommy-doing expression on their faces.

Ironing, feminine hygene products, and Poop

This morning as I was ironing Husband's work shirt (though, why he continually wants me to iron his shirts when I do such a terribly shitty job is beyond me. He's much, much better at it.), he came in an asked me what was in the toilet. Never a good question to hear first thing in the morning when you have two 3 year olds. He then said it looked like a pad. Oh, well, it's probably toilet paper. They both tend to use WAY too much toilet paper and then either forget to flush or just say screw it, Mom'll do it. I've plunged the toilets in my house at least 4 times in the past 2 days. Husband then goes back into the bathroom and pulls the pad-like object out of the toilet. It was, in fact a sanitary napkin. Lovely. Which means, one of the twins got into the bathroom cabinet, pulled out a pad, opened it, did God knows what with/to it, then tossed it into the toilet. I have no idea where they found the time to do this since they tend to get in and get out of the bathroom in a pretty timely fashion. Keep in mind also, they have their own bathroom. Devoid of pads and sporting a brand spanking new (as in, it arrived yesterday) toilet seat that has a mini toilet seat built in so they don't fall in and get all gross and toilet water soaked. They still insist on using the bathroom in the master "suite" as much as they can. Oh, and the brand new toilet seat that came in yesterday? Yeah, they somehow managed to get poop ALL OVER IT. 15 minutes after I had installed it. They did try to help, but if you have toddlers, you can probably imagine the results of said help. Did you guess poop smeared onto places on the toilet seat that it hadn't originally been? Well, if you did, CORRECT! After they did that the tattling girl child ran up to me and SCREAMED that the boy child had made a mess with poop. Flashbacks of them "painting" with their poop when they were babies still sharing a crib crippled me with fear. I ran in the direction of their bedrooms, all while the babe is still latched onto my nipple. I could have cried tears of joy when I saw it was only on the toilet seat. I'll take cleaning excrement off a toilet seat over a crib and the surrounding walls any day.

And I would take almost anything over a poonami.

.

Wrap Pants!

I sewed myself a pair of wrap pants today! I'll post pictures when Husband gets home so I can actually get a decent picture of them. If you don't know what wrap pants are, they're totally awesome. Basically, you sew the crotch together and then hem everything else and add ties. You tie them around your waist, either in the front or back, then vice versa. They don't close along your legs, but they do overlap so you shouldn't be flashing the world too badly while wearing them. Mine are for home wear for the most part though so I'm not too worried about my tree trucks, er, I mean legs, showing out the sides. To say I'm an inexperienced seamstress would be a vast understatement so my hems aren't the straightest, but they are comfortable. When Husband saw the picture on the tutorial (posted at the bottom) he was all "Damn, Wiff, those are hot. You're making those, yes?" And I was all, "You betcha, Husband, but don't be surprised when mine don't look like those. Or when my legs don't look like that girl's." Then he of course told me how hot I am and how he loves my tree trunk legs. He just didn't say tree trunk legs because he has a brain and he uses it. Most of the time. Apparently, these are sold at Renaissance Faires. Since I'm planning on going to my very first RenFaire this year, that seemed pretty cool. And yes, I'm planning on dressing up as long as I can find a pattern or tutorial on how to make an outfit and I don't screw it up royally.

Here's a linkety link if you want to make some of these awesome pants for yourself, a friend, a significant other, a pet...I don't know. They're really easy and, like I said, really comfortable.

http://craftytutorials.blogspot.com/2008/01/how-to-make-and-wear-wrap-pants.html

I also used this one, although I didn't make a pattern. I just busted out my scissors and hacked away. I did however use the 12 inch/3 inch crotch.

http://indietutes.blogspot.com/2007/08/double-tie-wrap-pants.html



Ok, no picture yet. By the time Husband got home, I'd been wearing the pants all day and the were wrinkled to pieces. I'll take a picture when they make it through the wash. Maybe. It depends on if they need ironing or not. (Update: I'm planning on making more in a more wrinkle resistant fabric. These are great, but very wrinkly.)

He did say he thinks they're sexy. So, WIN. It might be because when I'm sitting they split all they way up to my ass. He does appreciate my ass. He actually likes my legs too, even though they're bigger than I'd like them to be.

No. 2 Pencil Needed.

I'm going to vent a bit about Husband today. Yesterday was his only off day this week and to say it wasn't a good day would be putting it a little mildly. We got in a minor argument in the morning and a major argument last night. He was doing that cute little thing that some people do where they say nothing's wrong when something obviously is. Yeah, I totally love that. He finally decided to talk to me about it after a while, a nap, and a while more. I'm not going to go into the whole argument thing because, well, we've resolved it and I don't see as to how that would accomplish anything. What I really need to get off my chest is the fact that he got on his phone and got on my facebook group. Now for a little background, a few weeks ago I left facebook up on his phone and he saw a post I'd made venting about him. Unfairly. I was pissed and said some things I shouldn't have and didn't defend him when my lovely ladies called him an asshat. It was just a big clusterfuck of stuff I should/shouldn't have done. We resolved that that day though and I thought that was the end of it. Also, I don't have a cell phone. I don't need one, I borrow his if I need it and I use it to check my facebook. I always leave my facebook logged in. He doesn't have one and never will. I have a tablet, but it's currently out of commission. I'm waiting on them to send me my new, un-screwed up one in the mail. Anyway, he comes up to me last night and says something to the effect of "Your ladies are right and so are you." Um, excuse me, sir. Do you really feel the need to spy on me? Maybe I'm overreacting and it's not that bad that he deliberately went out of his way to see if I was saying anything in the group about us. Well, my love, if you would actually talk to me instead of insisting nothing was wrong, I wouldn't have vented my frustrations on there. I told him that and he said he didn't mind me venting on there. I don't know, I just don't like the fact that he spied, basically. I wasn't talking shit or bad mouthing him or anything, just saying how frustrating it is when he pulls the whole, nothing's wrong blahblah all while looking like he would like to rip my face off. I plan on talking to him about it later, but he's at work and I'm NOT going to bother him with this at work. We've had our ups and downs, we've both done things that broke trust and had to gain it back. I guess I just didn't see how the facebook fiasco of a few weeks ago was such that would make him feel the need to check up on me in that manner. Well, I'm being a Negative Nelly, aren't I? I'll make another, funnier post today at some point. If my chirren allow.

Update: I'm an idiot and facebook is out to get me. Apparently, facebook decided that I was just kidding when I said NO to the notifications. It's done this before and I don't really know why but oh, well. Basically, we're in the middle of our disagreement and his phone goes "BLEEP" and it shows up that someone commented on my post. So, Husband isn't being a spying ass, I'm just being a dumb ass. Yay!

First! I win at life.

This is my first blog post ever. I have no clue what I'm doing and I don't even plan on telling anyone about this for a while, if ever. As a warning to anyone who may happen to stumble upon this, I like to curse, make up words, vent, make fun of shit, and just basically be a random hot mess. I plan on posting my crafts that I've finished on here, especially my craft fails. Which most of them are, to be honest. I have a habit of jumping from one topic to another with very little thought behind it and I may be hard to follow at times. I plan on talking about my kids and husband on here. I plan on talking about whatever the hell I want to talk about whenever the hell I want to talk about it. I plan on this being some sort of therapeutic some such or something. We'll just see where it goes.

 Today, I'm just going to "introduce" myself and talk about my family. I'm 25 and a stay at home mom with 3 chirrens. 3 year old twins, The Boy Child and The Girl Child, and The Babe, who is currently 9 months old. NO, my twins aren't identical. One has a penis. One has a vagina. Husband is 31 and works as a restaurant manager. Let me just say about that, ugh yay. It's a high stress job and he is constantly fucking working, but his schedule is anything but constant. This is the second week running where he's working 6 days. I know, I know, lots of people do. Well, lots of people aren't my husband and aren't the father to our kids. He had to work on Father's Day. Yeah, that fucking sucks. He's had to work on Christmas before. Restaurants kind of suck ass. I'm glad he has a job, and very glad he has a job that is able to support us, even with me not working outside the home. But that doesn't mean it still doesn't suck some, too. Back to the actual Husband. I love him dearly. Sometimes I want to stab him in the neck with a No. 2 pencil in a bad, bad way. Other times he makes me feel all warm and gooey and gross. I'm not great with sentiment. I'm an awkward penguin. He's pretty touchy feely and I'm, er, not. I like to hold hands. He likes to grope. Now, I'm not saying I don't enjoy doing ... grown up things... because I do. It's just the lovey dovey part that kind of makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

My kids are awesome. They just can't help it, really, they have me as a Mom and Husband as a Dad. And we're totally awesome. I love that I'm able to stay at home with them. Most days. Some days I want to rend my clothing and run screaming and crying from my house. I miss adult interaction A LOT. Husband is the only regular adult I get to conversate with, although I do call my mom and sister pretty regularly. I have a friend that sporadically calls and wants to hang out and we might a couple times, then I won't hear from her for a few months. It used to bother me. It used to bother me a whole lot. Now, fuck it. Really, it's nice to have a female to talk to sometimes but I've learned not to expect too much from her. She doesn't have kids, she's not currently married, she still has tons of friends, so I really think she just doesn't get it. I have a mommy group on Facebook that I absolutely love. The all rock. Hardcore. Unfortunately, the all live pretty far away from me so I haven't met any of them in person. YET. O.O They are the best friends I've had in a while though and if anyone gets on here and tries to tell me that "internet friends aren't real friends" bullshit blahblah, well, just don't bother. These ladies get me more than almost anyone. So, suck it, internet haters. My sister is my best friend. She's even more awesome than me, if you can believe that. She's a teacher at an institute for Deaf kids, she's absolutely hilarious, she's pretty, she's creative, and she loves SciFi Originals. SciFi Originals are WONDERFUL. Have you seen Sharktopus? If not, DO. Unless you hate all things that are good. (I refuse to spell it SyFy. Seriously, SyFy? How the hell does that even make sense?! Syence Fyction. -_- Great. Now my eyes are bleeding. It's like they allowed a 15 year old girl to come work for them. "Oh, yeah, like, it'll totes be, like, awesome to spell it ,like, SyFy. Like, everybody with think it's, like, the best thing EVAR."

This ^^ is a perfect example of how off topic I can easily get. I went from talking about my chirren to talking about Sharktopus and how SciFi is delusional to think that SyFy looks cool.

I'm what is sometimes referred to as a Grammar Nazi. Just a little bit though, I can usually let honest mistakes slide without my eye twitching. I don't usually correct someone unless they're just being an asshole. And 'hoe' when referring to a less than virtuous individual annoys the ever loving crapola out of me. I have friends that do it and every time I think "Oh, damn that stupid garden implement." Libary is another thing that makes me stabby. Not the spelling, but only because I've never seen it spelled like that. It's when someone says "Oh, I need to go to the LIBARY." or would it be Liberry? Anyway, library. That first 'r', yeah, not silent. FYI. That all said, I'm terrible with commas. I usually can't remember if they need to go in where I think they do, or I just leave them out entirely. So, I also apologize in advance for my comma misusage.

I just keep getting further and further out there and considering this is my first post I'm just going to quit for now. I'll post more later, when I feel like it or something post worthy happens. G'day!